James Explains “Why This Sucks!” Episode 4 It Follows (2014)

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There are few horror films that I absolutely despise. Even though I can pick apart almost every single one of them and find things that suck, I still enjoy them. However, sometimes a movie comes along with no redeemable qualities; and thus we have It Follows.

When we start accepting poor writing as being “creative” then we might as well just give up on good storytelling altogether. The fact that this film wanted to be an 80s throwback, but needed the use of cellphones, a lot of people chose to ignore all of the time frame inconsistencies. Not me, I’m good like that, my friends. And because it has the MOST annoying music (like seriously, I lived through the 80s and heard enough Casio keyboard beats for one lifetime) doesn’t make it a throwback.

It Follows is a more graphic abstinence propaganda film. If you have sex before marriage you will die… maybe… If you walk really slow.

They didn’t even follow their own established rules for this poorly established creature; At one point it is mentioned that if this thing touches you, you will die, so when chilling on the beach it grabs her hair but she manages to get away, however a little later down the line it instantly kills her neighbor with dry humping? … Uh alright, I guess…

They never explain or even bother trying to find out where it came from or why it just wants to sex people to death. It can take on the form of anyone, including the people you love, just to get close to you, but obviously, It is pretty stupid and never thinks of using this ability to its advantage (except for the mom humping her son to death).

It walks, very slowly. It can’t fly, or teleport, or even walk through obstacles (it had to break a window to enter a house) so this is a pretty shitty ghost and would be easily beaten. For example, it takes 34 hours to drive from Detroit, Michigan (where the film takes place) to Los Angeles, California. It takes 754 hours (30 days and 10 hours) to walk the same distance. You could live a normal life just by traveling!

It Follows is dull, boring, no climax, no resolution. You’ve got that stupid scene in the pool, which made zero sense, but I wouldn’t call that a climax point. And if it was considered the climax, it was a terrible excuse for one.

The entire film is a PG13 sex tape, and leaves a lot of things unexplained and not followed through properly. Did she have sex with the guys on the boat? Did the boy have sex with one of the hookers? We don’t know, it’s never revealed; which just passes up the possibility for some good death scenes.

If you haven’t watched this pile of garbage called “It Follows”, then don’t. You’re seriously not missing anything at all. It’s films like this, which somehow receive good ratings, that give horror a bad name. Horror porn is all over the internet; just watch some of that for better acting, better music, better plot and better quality.