One-liners are a horror movie staple that has spawned many a schoolyard insult and comeback that put one’s adversary to such shame that they then needed to go and watch said film just to see what the outcome was. Now you can harness that power at work!
We’ve compiled our top 10 favorites and a few honorable mentions to go along with that just in case you find yourself having to force the conversation in the office by the water cooler. Now you’ll be able to deal them some swift and witty one-liners that will force them to go and watch a horror movie! Thus gaining the respect and admiration of all of your work peers along the way.
“Swallow this.” – Evil Dead II
As Henrietta’s severed head screams “I’ll swallow your soul!” over and over in her shrill voice that sounds a lot like that one lady from HR. I typically say this to my manager whenever any reports are due. I like to add charts and graphs and even some clip art to make the page count hire. That’s what it’s really all about anyway…page count!
“Welcome to prime time bitch!” – A Nightmare on Elm Street 3
It’s freakin’ impossible to pick just one of Krueger’s one-liners for this list, but dammit I tried. This line may be the perfect way to welcome the new hire into the office…and get a quick trip to the shrill-voiced lady in HR too.
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass and I’m all out of bubblegum” – They Live
This is my “go to” whenever I go to any sort of staff meeting. It works best if you are “fashionably late” to the meeting and then kick the door open as you enter. I’ve gotten three promotions so far by doing this.
“I hate ’em when they ain’t been shaved” – Near Dark
I tend to use this line shortly after I blow a huge sale and the customer happens to have a beard… Please note that the customer HAS to have a beard or just don’t use it.
“Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!” Dusk Till Dawn
Another favorite of mine. It works best after a pushy customer keeps asking you for more and more and you have to excuse yourself by saying “Let me go talk to the manager and see what they say”. Then walk to your manager and strike up a short conversation but before you walk back to the customer say this line to your manager loud enough so everyone can hear you…especially the customer.
“I’m the guy that’s gonna save your ass” – Feast
This one works best if you are in IT and are called up to save the CEO’s pictures/mp3 collection/ which they are going to lose due to a virus they got from watching porn at work. When they call you to their office and ask you “who is this?” use this line, slam the phone down, and sprint to their office.
“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.” = Jaws
I like to pull this beauty out when it the manager or team lead gets in over their heads and they start pulling everyone walking by on to the issue and making the project sink lower and lower into the abyss.
“I kick ass for the Lord!” – Dead Alive
When asked to work on the weekend and you object they are going to ask why. Just pull out this line and if they give you any hassle you can sue their pants off for religious discrimination….then retire on your bags of cash after. You’re welcome!
“I’ve never been good with farewells so… That’ll do, pig” – ZombieLand
Each and every Friday at 4:30 you can say this to your manager and it never fails to get a laugh….or a meeting in HR on Monday.
“Good Ash, bad Ash. I’m the guy with the Gun.” – Army of Darkness
If you have a community bulletin board I can just about guarantee you that stuff falls off of it daily. Calmly walk up with a staple gun as someone is hanging up their latest flyer and staple that shit good for them. Use no less than 15 staples too. As you walk away say this line and you’ll have one more office fan.
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